Name:   architect - Subject:   Irish Humor ( these may be repeats) Date:   7/28/2015 8:59:29 PM (updated 7/28/2015 9:05:49 PM)

Seamus Murphy died and his widow thinks she needs to put an announcement in the obituary pages.  She rings the Irish Times and inquires as to the cost of an announcement.  She is told that he charge was 2 euros per word.  Being frugal she say "Please place an announcement reading 'Seamus Murphy's dead.' " assuming by making the surname into a contraction she is saving herself 2 euros.  The man at the paper replies "O'm sorry, but oi should have infarmed you we rekwire a six wahrd minimum."  She thinks for a few seconds "Wael, if that is the case say 'Seamus Murphy's dead Toyota foor sale.' "

Father O'Leary passes and arrives at the gates to heaven.  He approaches the gate and is instructed to stand in a line formed to the left.  He is rather upset at having to wait and becomes quite agitated as he sees many of the people approaching the gate are immediately ushured inside to walk the golden streets.  He breaks from the line and angrily walks to the gate demanding to know why he is having to wait while other folks are being quickly admitted "Joost why is it that a Priest of the church, a sarvent of the Lard who has labored in the vinyard for over fahrty years is shunted asoid while less Godly and impahrtant people are getting immediate entry?" The gate-keeper replies "Father, your chance will come, you must be patient.  You know when you give your homily Sunday morning at least half the congergation is asleep.  Well the last man to enter was a bus driver who had an occasional problem with whiskey and a heavy food and severe cataracts...I can assure you that when he drove his bus through the streets of Dublin city each and every passanger was not only wide awake but each and every one was also deep in earnest and devout prayer!"

Patrick Kelley is drunk while driving through Dublin at 3:00 am.  He is pulled over by the Garda.  The officer asks "Joost whare is it you are off too in sooch a condition at this toim of the mahrnin?"  Patrick replies as best he can "Offizer o'm (hic) on the way to a lecture on (hic) the evils of (hic) whoskee."  The officer inquires with disbelief "Now pray tell, joost who in the noim of Jaysus, Mary and Joseph is giving sooch a lecture at this toim of day?"  Pat answers "T'wood be nohn other than moi dahrlin woife."

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